By Patrick Evans
Those of us who compete in sports know that there are plenty of high schools throughout our state to compete against. Some of them just have really weird, stupid or just plain bad mascots. These are the 6A mascots we love to hate the most.
Jesuit Crusaders: History lesson folks! The Crusades in The Holy Land lasted from 1095 through 1291 with other Crusades happening in Europe afterward. During that time the Crusaders engaged in genocides against Jews, pagans and other Christians, not to mention the killing of thousands of Muslims. As fearsome as your mascot is Jesuit, maybe pick one that didn’t kill people in the name of God.
Franklin Quakers: Nice, Franklin, while Jesuit goes too hardcore with its religious mascot, you go too wimpy. You literally picked a pacifist religion that is better known as the face we all see whenever we open cylinders of oats. Benjamin Franklin deserved better, maybe you should have picked for your mascot what he thought should’ve been the national bird, the turkey.
Fightin’ Caucasians of David Douglas Scots, Mckay Royal Scots, South Salem Saxons, Sheldon Irish, and McNary Celtics: Hoo boy, this is a lot to keep track of. Naming yourselves after Northern European ethnic groups will only take you so far. David Douglas, your mascot actually has a kilt on, provoking laughter more than fear. We get it, Mckay, you’re not some vagabond Scot like David Douglas but let’s not feel too highly about ourselves here. No one knows what a Saxon is South Salem, nor Celtics for that matter, McNary. As for you Sheldon, your Irish can go back to their pot of gold and mug of Guinness. Man, this really is cultural appropriation at its worst.
Glencoe Crimson Tide: I don’t really understand what Glencoe was thinking when they named themselves this. If you’re gonna name yourself after the University of Alabama you might as well have a good football team, instead of one that is so bad they aren’t in any league at all. In addition, you call your mascot Tideguy. That is an utter disgrace, and the only thing that could make it better is if you had a competition to see who dresses up as Tideguy by having a tide pod eating contest.
Jefferson Democrats: Look, Jefferson, not many people understand the historical context of your mascot, even if it makes sense. What it isn’t either is cool. An angry donkey that is also the symbol of one of America’s major political parties seems more comical than tough. The only reason this isn’t lower is that there are plenty of worse things you could nickname a school named after Thomas Jefferson, which could cause you to make real asses of yourselves.
Madison Senators: This is an incredibly nonsensical choice. James Madison was never a Senator at any point in his life. Maybe it sounds better than calling yourselves the “US Reps,” which Madison actually was, but it isn’t very intimidating. What are you gonna do Madison, filibuster me? Give a campaign speech in the middle of a game? No of course not, you jackals have no spine and will cave at the first sign of pressure from your wealthy benefactors.
South Eugene Axe: In the first of case of an Oregon school being politically correct to the point where they undermine their mascot wholly, meet the school formerly known as the Axemen, the South Eugene Axe. In order to be gender-neutral, they changed their name from the original and cool Axemen to a brand of deodorant that everyone hates. Axe is literally the butt of every joke about middle school locker rooms and that’s what you went with South Eugene? I get that referring to a specific gender isn’t a good idea anymore but maybe just change your mascot entirely instead of embarrassing yourself. Maybe go with Old Spice.
Benson Techmen/Lady Techsters: In part two of a politically correct name change gone wrong, Benson decided to be equitable and give the women of its school their own mascot separate from the traditional Techmen, the Lady Techsters. Unfortunately, it seems they have inadvertently exposed the phone habits of girls of their school. The ladies mascot seems to be simply just two opposable thumbs that can move very fast on an iPhone screen, but maybe it’s simply an acknowledgment of a schoolwide problem.
Mountainside Mavericks: Oh lord, where to begin. We get it Mountainside, you wanted an “M” mascot because it sounds cool. But when you chose Maverick as your mascot paired with a horse it doesn’t make much sense. Instead of going with Mustangs, like a sane person would, you went with the clothing brand of everybody’s most hated person, Logan Paul. Your nonsensical, privileged, and utterly stupid and incoherent mascot choice reveals a school whose only identity is being the school that everyone can hate because of the excess of a great facility you neither deserve or appreciate.
Southridge Skyhawks: Despite Mountainside’s challenge, this one takes the top gun. The utter redundancy of the name manages to make the others seem brilliant by comparison. A “Skyhawk” is not an actual bird Southridge. Your made up mascot is just a hawk who happens to be in the sky, there is nothing remotely different about you and the most generic elementary school other than you thought it would be cool to add “Sky,” to your hawk. Your incapability for original thought shines through in every which way Southridge, from your rip-off of the Beaverton fight song to the monstrosity of your name, way to take flight, now please go away.
(Photo courtesy of KUIK).