By Patrick Evans & Brady Rogers
As the winter holiday season officially begins, we begin spending two months shoving our earholes with the same songs over and over again. Needless to say, some are better than others, but to make this list the song has to absolutely suck. Here are the ones that destroy our Christmas spirit:
“The Chipmunk Song” — Alvin and the Chipmunks
Nothing hurts your ears more than the Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas songs, which shouldn’t come as a surprise to anybody. We apologize in advance to any young kids who read this, but the chipmunks are unbearable to listen to. Listening to the pitch at which they not only talk, but sing, shouldn’t be legal. It should come with a warning in advance, like medicine commercials that list every side effect possible. Warning: eardrums may explode.
“Where Are You Christmas?” — Faith Hill
“Where Are You Christmas” is another song that doesn’t feel fit to be a Christmas song. The vibes are off in this one, and it doesn’t send a “jolly” message. I can relate to it because I’m always anxious for Christmas. However, I don’t want to listen to a song that makes me sadder afterward.
“Mistletoe” — Justin Bieber
The chorus of this song is “Shawty with you, under the mistletoe,” so you can already tell that the song sucks. Bieber’s voice had apparently not matured yet. At seventeen he sounded like a twelve-year-old waiting for his shawty, so he comes off as the sixth grader who tries to get at high schoolers. The auto-tuning of his voice at nearly every chance doesn’t help either; no girl wants to get under the mistletoe with a cyborg, Justin. Clunky love lyrics coming from a smirky little kid whose voice hasn’t deepened produce Christmas songs that only those of us with an IQ below 100 enjoy.
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” — Jackson 5
On one hand, the vocals aren’t awful, but on the other hand, this song paints Santa as a homewrecker who carries out extramarital affairs with numerous women as he goes on his trip across the world. Encouraging this kind of behavior tears families apart, and children have less and less faith in their parents. Unless, of course, the song is insinuating that Santa isn’t real, and that would be way more disillusioning.
“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” — Elmo & Patsy
This song is all levels of bad. It sounds bad, it’s lyrics are bad, and the film based off of it is bad. Its badness is maddeningly bad and anyone who likes it is bad. The song is grotesque and cynical just like the scum who enjoys it. Evidently, Grandma isn’t missed since you greedy little gremlins sent her gifts back for money and got drunk anyway. Hopefully, Santa crashes into the house of those that enjoy this.
“This Christmas” — Chris Brown
Read the lyrics for this song and you’ll understand why it made the list. It’s plain and simply nonsensical. If you watch the music video, Brown’s choreography makes it look like he’s forcing the lyrics out of his mouth and into our poor ears. Oh well, at least a movie came out of it.
“Last Christmas” — Wham!
Now, this is a cheesy heartbreak song that just so happens to be around Christmas. The cliché vibe along with a pop rhythm doesn’t sound quite right. However, this is not a George Michael diss by any means, that man is a legend and deserves to be remembered as one.
“Drummer Boy” ft. Busta Rhymes — Justin Bieber
I don’t know how you can screw up a classic like “Little Drummer Boy” but Bieber manages to make it godawful from the moment you hear him sing (if you can even call it that). This song makes the auto-tuning of “Mistletoe” look meager by comparison. Giving Busta Rhymes a feature makes it even worse, but the most awful, bordering on hysterical, part of this song is when Bieber attempts to rap on it. Words can’t describe the nausea that comes after hearing every last verse on this song. If you enjoy music that sterilizes frogs within a fifty-yard radius, this is the song for you.
“The Christmas Shoes” — NewSong
This sad sack of a Christmas song makes Tiny Tim from “A Christmas Carol” seem like the luckiest dude ever. Like, who buys shoes for their dying mom? You should be spending your last moments with her and if she does, in fact, die she sure as hell isn’t going to need SHOES in heaven. Anyway, this song kills every last cell of hope and cheer within my Christmas heart. Were those shoes worth that?
Bad songs incoming! (Photo courtesy of TV Guide).