*Based on the 1729 satirical essay, “A Modest Proposal“, by Anglo-Irish author, Jonathan Swift.

It is quite the state of quandary when our air is overflowing with carbon emissions. The average man cannot walk down the street without coughing from the murky air. That same man cannot leave his house without wearing a visor to protect him. This man, instead of taking his quotidian stroll, is forced to stay inside his home. Our environment is deprived of its nutrients, and carbon emissions are surging. Millions of individuals are affected, especially the juvenility and those financially depressed. It is even more aggravating to see the freeloaders of our country, which we call the elderly, mass-reproducing farm animals in tight rooms before slaughtering the mother and father cows in front of calves. 

All parties can find a common ground that our nation is failing at providing an adequate habitat for Americans and farm animals. Those who think themselves the leaders of our country are not taking the utmost important tactics to improve the average man’s well-being and save baby animals. Factory farming owners are profiting off of the pitiful cows which they slaughter to feed a plump, wealthy old man. And whereas that old man feasts on the flesh of tortured animals, a young child will cry on the street while his mother begs for food. 

But my wish is to provide help not only to the slaughtered animals: it would use the elderly to solve many obstacles humanity faces and serve the greater good.

It has come to my attention that with so many complex concerns in the world, it would be difficult to be rid of them using only one solution. A herbivore menu could be encouraged, but 70% of Americans have reported feeling unsatisfied eating meals that do not contain animal carcasses. Even more so, ⅖ of global plants are in danger of going extinct. Therefore, it would be very unreasonable to rely on plants for meals. 

I, myself, have carefully thought of this dilemma for many years. It may be true that the elderly do not require the same nourishment that a person of 20 years needs. An elderly person simply takes up space and food that somebody who truly needs it is deprived of. Moreover, it is an affliction on their working-class children, from which they need support in order to stay in nursing homes. It is at exactly sixty-two years that I propose that, instead of being a burden on the economy, animals, and their kin, senior citizens shall feed other mouths and fix our polluted air. 

This plan will fix another problem in our society: our planet is overflowing with inhabitants. The awful inflation will decrease and quarters will once again be affordable when the population number lessens.

With the global population being approximately eight billion, I calculate ¼ of these individuals to be grandparents. Of these two billion grandparents, I subtract one billion to be under the age of 62 years old. That leaves me with one billion elderly eligible to feed famished citizens. You may be questioning my logic or wondering why we are sacrificing the old to provide for our growing population.

The senior citizens cannot work, as they are too weak or do not have the mental capacity to get a job. The seniors drain our economy of money while we, the working class, work day and night to afford them a means of retirement. Furthermore, the elderly take up valuable hospital beds that a dying adolescent may need. There is no use having elderly people stay in hospice care, as they are assured only six months left to live, while an adolescent has his whole life ahead of him. Moreover, we do not need their wisdom, which is what they consider longings of “back in [their] days” and racial microaggressions. 

According to my physician friend, it would be quite simple to trick older citizens into becoming our new food source. 90% of the senescence are in a constant state of disorientation and confusion by the time they turn three scores. It would be quite easy to take advantage of this trait and deceive the vulnerable old people.

For fear of backlash, I shall keep my source anonymous, but I have heard from a friend that old people’s flesh ages like fine wine. As they age, their meat becomes marbled. It is one of the most delectable experiences when one can feast upon honey-glazed baked flabs. Indeed, when cooked correctly, their osteoporotic bones easily yield bone marrow, which is healthy for curing acne. Additionally, since elderly people can become grotesquely corpulent, they are much bigger than farm animals, meaning there is more on them to eat. It is not called long-pork for nothing!

The average serving of senescent flesh contains 50 grams of protein and 80% of the recommended daily iron intake. In a world where we have males anxious of their daily protein intake, they would be shocked to see their muscles grow in a matter of days. The generous amount of iron would also cure any anemic suffering. This will be very beneficial for when it is their time to be eaten. 

I have spent many months in nursing homes, studying how geriatrics behave. When observing their odd characteristics, I have perceived the old wishing they could contribute more to the future generations. I believe they would be happy with my plan, as they would be giving them a piece of themselves for our hungry, growing youth. Since they can no longer feed our minds, they can feed our youth. 

Indeed, we can look at the many kingdoms outside our nation that rely on elders to feed newborns. As my friend who lives in Europe says, “Consuming flesh from an older person can cure diseases that newborns are born with.” Not only can elderly people’s flesh provide us with hunger satisfaction, but it may also cure viruses that have invaded our bodies! 

Lastly, I would like to add how my plan would decrease carbon emissions. As we rely on our chosen population to feed us, there would be no need to force livestock to procreate. Our practice of confining dozens of domesticated animals into one tiny space needs to end; it is inhumane and torturous. What’s more, the unreasonable amount of cows living among us are contaminating the air we breathe. Using the elderly as our meat source instead of animals would save our planet and stop the slaughtering of innocent animals.

I have digressed too far and shall return to my thesis. The advantages of my proposal are countless and will serve humanity far too well.

First, I would like to add how my plan would decrease carbon emissions. As we rely on our chosen population to feed us, there would be no need to force livestock to procreate. Our practice of confining dozens of domesticated animals into one tiny space needs to end; it is inhumane and torturous. What’s more, the unreasonable amount of cows living among us are contaminating the air we breathe. Using the elderly as our meat source instead of animals would save our planet and stop the slaughtering of innocent animals. 

Secondly, citizens of this modest country would no longer have to sacrifice a portion of their hard-earned money to pay for social security. This would encourage citizens to work more, knowing that they get to keep more money to spend on themselves and their families. Additionally, it would serve our economy, as the money we would use for social security would no longer be saved, and instead, it would be spent.

Thirdly, our nursing home staff are underappreciated and cannot thrive in their current workspaces. Elders are ill-mannered to the very nurses that care and love them. These healthcare workers deserve more and shall receive a job that is not emotionally taxing. 

Fourthly, there is a global pandemic of starvation. The beggars on our streets are dying a slow, cruel death from their lack of food and money. If we can feed them using the meat from elders, the homeless population’s life expectancy will greatly escalate. It is important to add that most of the wealth in the United States is owned by those sixty years and older. Redistributing their money and property to those who actually deserve it will rid homelessness and finally provide our citizens of this great nation with a feeling of contentment. 

Fifthly, and I believe that this is my most important reasoning yet, there would be an opportunity to heal childhood trauma. Children of abusive parents will rest easy knowing that they will not forever be haunted by shameful family dynamics. Certainly, they may receive closure. On the other hand, my plan may also save ungrateful children. A parent with an urchin may use their upcoming death date to guilt-trip their child to treat them with more regard.

I now see that it may be my grandparents (and someday my parents) who are to become a food source for our nation. However, as someone who identifies as vegetarian, I believe that my lack of meat eating protects my family from becoming food. 

It is with my whole heart that I carefully comment that I do not claim responsibility for this plan and do not wish to promote or put in any other necessary work in order for this to succeed. I simply wish the best for my country and will choose to only observe if the government accepts my proposal.