by Braydon Iverson
Christmas Stockings: The last time a sock of mine was stuck on the wall for a consecutive amount of days, I had to scrape it off the wall with a spatula and was taken to urgent care with a rare and potentially dangerous form of Athlete’s Foot. It was a truly traumatic experience to be honest, and I’d rather it not be brought up to me again.
Telling a ghost story on christmas eve: Why would you tell little children a scary story right before a big red man breaks into your home? Can’t we just stick to “not a creature was stirring”?
Eggnog: There’s no specific reason this tradition is bad, other than the fact that eggnog itself is just bad. Horribly, soul-crushingly bad.
Advent calenders: In fairness, I actually enjoy doing advent calendars each December month. I just realize the slippery slope those chocolate treats create. Soon enough children start asking tough questions; “Why isn’t here a Mashed Potato Calendar for Thanksgiving? What about a Resurrection Calendar for Easter?”
Gingerbread houses: It is wrong for us to assume power over the Gingerbread community like this. Sure this might help the Gingerbread homeless population minimally, but what happens when those new homeowners can’t pay Gingerbread rent or utilities? And what of the Gingerbread mortgage rates? Where’s the Gingerbread space to build? We can’t play Gingerbread God. We must let the invisible dough hand of Gingerbread capitalism play its role.
Drive around the neighborhood looking at house’s lights: There’s nothing quite as tranquil and joy-filled than this. Pack into a warm cozy car, and take a scenic route around the block to enjoy the sights of your neighbor’s decorative holiday lighting arrangements. Admire them, rank them, or just fall asleep looking at them (unless you’re behind the wheel, of course).
Keep the k103 radio station on in the house: Every year during the holiday season, the k103 station switches it’s music selection to a strictly festive theme. With classics like “Rudolf the Rednosed Reindeer” and “Mr. Grinch”, plus modern day hits like Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You”, you’ll be sure to keep a jolly spirit when these songs fill your home.
Getting/decorating the right christmas tree: It doesn’t matter how you get the tree, whether you brave the cold weather to find and cut down a real tree, or stop by a tree lot and buy one. What matters is how you decorate the tree to fit your home’s spirit. The star on top, the white green and red ornaments, or any other personal touch brings life and holiday energy to the room and house.
Hot cocoa and a movie: Many people’s favorite holiday activity, the literal and figurative warming this activity brings would compete with any snowy or stormy winter night. Traditionally one would watch a holiday movie, but any movie will do realistically. Just whip up some steaming hot cocoa, wrap yourself in a blanket, and relax all holiday season.
Giving to those with less: Of course we cannot forget the very generous nature of the holidays. There are many ways ordinary people can help others in need. One could volunteer at the Oregon Food Bank, making sure everyone gets a warm meal on these cold nights. Donating clothing to goodwill to make sure they have proper clothes for the weather as well. Anything you can do helps, so why not help? After all, ‘tis the season.
The advent calendar creates a horrible, horrible addiction. (Photo Courtesy of foodandwine.com)