Since the dawn of time, there has been a question that transcends generations.  A question we ask children from the moment they’re able to talk. This question is of the utmost importance in a child’s development, and without it, a child cannot progress into a self-sufficient adult. I seek to answer the mighty question: what’s the best superpower?

It will be difficult to determine, as all of humanity’s best and brightest minds have yet to achieve an answer in hundreds of thousands of years, but with great effort, I pledge to reach a conclusion.

Common answers from children regarding this question include superstrength, invisibility, flying, super speed, and a myriad of other lame and stereotypical powers. While in theory, these answers adequately answer The Question, there is a better way to answer.

A power rises above the rest, that is so profound, so magnanimous, that no human could possibly comprehend its importance: the ability to mute others.

At first glance, this ability seems useless. How could prohibiting another’s speaking ability help you in any way? It’s simple: you would never need to deal with annoying people ever again.

If you were ever in a conversation and you didn’t like where the subject was going or didn’t care to listen to an opinion, you don’t have to be polite and tough it out like a normal person. You could mute them! Your life would be free of irritation.

Are your parents nagging you to stop lurking in your room all day, eating spaghetti in the dark while watching conspiracy theory videos? Mute them! Are you in the middle of an uncomfortable conversation with a great aunt you’ve never met? Unless she wants to give you money, mute her! 

With this power, there are endless possibilities. You’d have tons of time on your hands: whoever you live with would kick you out of the house because you’d be ignoring them! And if you live alone, don’t worry. That can be fixed. Mute your boss, get fired, and then you’ll have endless time on your hands and no home.

If you’re an introvert like me, this power is great at getting you out of going to social events: it’ll ruin your relationships and make sure no one wants to spend time with you. It’s a win-win.

So if anybody asks you what the best superpower is, don’t be ordinary. Proudly tell the asker that the answer is the power to mute others.