I had never seen an eviction notice before — let alone been evicted myself — and “out of the blue” could sum up the situation. It was unreal to be told that I would have to move out of my Raleigh Hills apartment, and for many reasons.
The first of which being that I didn’t have an apartment anywhere, and not in Raleigh Hills — I still live at my parents’ house, and at their expense, I have no intentions of leaving anytime soon.
Second: Can motorcycle-police give out eviction notices? I knew they did more than sit behind the hedge on Allen Blvd and talk, but this is ridiculous…
And third: I didn’t read the driver’s manual, but I’m pretty sure running a red light in a school zone at fifty-two miles per hour, hitting two kids and grazing three elderly women, escaping from a bank robbery/school arson double-whammy, and all the while not using my blinker to change lanes WASN’T the equivalent of an eviction notice. Setting Aloha High School on fire alone should mitigate it down to at least a $0.04 bump-up in the rent.
There is only one explanation: the police are contracting PricewaterhouseCoopers…
In light of their blunder at the Oscars, I present to you the world you could expect if everyone contracted PricewaterhouseCooper (PwC) for everything.
College admissions would become Willy Wonka golden ticket raffles for who gets the missing Best Picture award card.
Diagnoses from doctors would merit at least five additional opinions because a $32 Chinese food receipt doesn’t quite match your symptoms.
You would have to send out a great number of letters of recommendation to account for the probability that a good sixty percent will be the speeding tickets and court subpoenas that I should’ve gotten for all of the misdemeanors and felonies I committed at the beginning of the article.
Jake Reverman would finally get 100% on all of his calculus tests, and some freshmen’s algebra tests too.
Tax returns would have the possibility of containing half-used Dutch Bros gift cards or the keys to some Prius parked in the White House parking lot.
Anphong Nguyen would’ve won Sadies King 2017.
Oprah Winfrey guests wouldn’t find anything under their chairs.
Instead of getting the PopSocket you bought online, you might receive senior Rankin Shum’s Yeezys. “They’re size 7, but they run large.”
Coffee baristas would hand out jury duty notices with your coffee (if you even get your coffee).
The crosswords in The Hummer would make sense. We will never forget.
Of course, we will take the lead of the La La Land crew and forgive PwC with grace and understanding. However, that will never stop us here at The Hummer from making good sport of it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am expecting Rankin’s Yeezys in the mail.